{"id":8759,"date":"2021-05-29T15:15:58","date_gmt":"2021-05-29T15:15:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/?p=8759"},"modified":"2021-05-29T15:15:59","modified_gmt":"2021-05-29T15:15:59","slug":"aloneness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/aloneness\/","title":{"rendered":"Aloneness"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E65\">Lately, more than ever, I\u2019ve been thinking about a quote by the late, great playwright Sam Shepard: \u201cAloneness is a condition of writing. You look at all the writers that have come up with something worth its own salt, and they\u2019re utterly alone.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E65\">\u201cAloneness is a condition of writing.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E65\">I\u2019ve come not just to accept, but to fully embrace, this truth of the writing life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E65\">Now, instead of being depressed by my feelings of being \u201cutterly alone,\u201d I view these feelings as my North Star: If I\u2019m alone, I must be doing something right; I must be on my way to writing something great.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E65\">&#8211;<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed-youtube wp-block-embed is-type-video is-provider-youtube wp-embed-aspect-16-9 wp-has-aspect-ratio\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"California Typewriter Clip I Sam Shepard I Percussion\" width=\"1200\" height=\"675\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/x2C-tA9xVFg?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E81\">&#8211;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E81\">I\u2019ve also thought a lot about a sentence in Ernest Hemingway\u2019s Nobel Prize acceptance speech: \u201cIt is because we have had such great writers in the past that a writer is driven far out past where he can go, out to where no one can help him.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E83\">Both of these quotes have resonated deeply with me a lot lately, during walks and workouts, during long hikes on the Appalachian Trail, and especially as I dig ever deeper writing the second draft of my epic novel. The manuscript now totals a staggering 802,000 words, and there are indications that, when the dust finally settles years from now, it could weigh in at a million words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E95\">The other morning, during my post-prandial constitutional\u2014a one-mile walk in my neighborhood when I, like a poet, mentally compose and say aloud sentences I\u2019ll be writing later on\u2014I passed a dog (I think it was a boxer) standing on its front stoop. As I walked along the shoulder towards the dog, his wagging tail told me he was a friendly one. I sensed that he wanted to run over and play with me, but he had been trained not to leave the stoop. We just looked at each other and knew each other\u2019s aloneness. Just as I couldn\u2019t help him with the job he had to do\u2014guarding his owner\u2019s house\u2014he couldn\u2019t help me with what I had to do: go back to work on my gargantuan novel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph\">&#8211;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"768\" src=\"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/DSC00724-1024x768.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-8400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/DSC00724-1024x768.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/DSC00724-300x225.jpg 300w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/DSC00724-768x576.jpg 768w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/DSC00724-904x678.jpg 904w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/DSC00724-500x375.jpg 500w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/DSC00724-430x323.jpg 430w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><figcaption>The bookcase outside my office door. Note the five framed photos.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E116\">&#8211;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E116\">Beside the door outside my office is a bookcase of writing and language reference books, and on top of this bookcase are framed photos of five of my writing heroes: Ian Fleming, Vladimir Nabokov, Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Raymond Chandler.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E116\">In years past, as I\u2019ve gone in to work they\u2019ve given me small cheers of encouragement. But in recent years they\u2019ve gone silent. Now, when I walk by them at five o\u2019clock in the morning, it\u2019s as if they\u2019re saying, \u201cYeah, dude\u2026we got nothin\u2019. That crazy long teen novel thing you\u2019re writing? Uh\u2026good luck with that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E140\">Over the three decades that I\u2019ve been writing professionally, during my long, long apprenticeship, I\u2019ve always been able to look to my heroes\u2019 work for examples of how to do something. When I was writing my first Dakota Stevens mystery (<em>A Real Piece of Work<\/em>), I had several literary touchstones: Raymond Chandler\u2019s Marlowe novels; Robert B. Parker\u2019s Spenser mysteries; and Ian Fleming\u2019s James Bond thrillers. While writing the stories that eventually comprised <em>The Man, The Myth, The Legend<\/em> and <em>One Hundred Miles from Manhattan<\/em>, I had the short stories of Anton Chekhov, John Cheever and Raymond Carver to consult for guidance and encouragement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E140\">But as I\u2019ve forged ahead with my epic novel, I\u2019ve truly gone out where no one (living or dead) can help me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E153\">As much as I admire Fitzgerald and Nabokov for their elegant, pitch-perfect sentences, when it comes to writing a truly massive novel about a subject that has never been written about before in epic form (truly, I\u2019m inventing a new genre over here), neither Fitzgerald nor Nabokov, nor any of the other novelists I\u2019ve grown up admiring\u2014like Ernest Hemingway, John Steinbeck, John Irving, Charles Frazier and Jane Austen\u2014can help me. (Allegedly, Hemingway wrote the first draft of a massive novel about WWII\u2014which he termed \u201cthe Big Book\u201d\u2014split into three sections: Land, Sea and Air, but it was never finished and never published.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E153\">No, among my favorite writers, the only one who did what I\u2019m trying to do is the monumental novelist Leo Tolstoy, author of <em>Anna Karenina<\/em> and <em>War and Peace<\/em>\u2014not just two of the longest novels written, but two of the <em>best<\/em> novels ever written.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E169\">But even with Tolstoy\u2019s works, I\u2019m all alone. Although I\u2019ve learned a lot from them about what\u2019s involved in sustaining a long, detailed, multifarious narrative, they\u2019re about a period of time and subjects that are much different from the time and subject that I\u2019m writing about. Besides, to try to find words of wisdom in Tolstoy\u2019s diaries about writing a magnum opus is truly exhausting. Honestly, I\u2019d prefer having to find a lost contact lens on a sandy beach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph\">&#8211;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"576\" src=\"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/maxresdefault-1024x576.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-8775\" srcset=\"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/maxresdefault-1024x576.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/maxresdefault-300x169.jpg 300w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/maxresdefault-768x432.jpg 768w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/maxresdefault-904x509.jpg 904w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/maxresdefault-500x281.jpg 500w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/maxresdefault-430x242.jpg 430w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/maxresdefault.jpg 1280w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><figcaption>It probably doesn&#8217;t help that I have a penchant for film noir titles like &#8220;In A Lonely Place,&#8221; starring Humphrey Bogart and Gloria Grahame.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E181\">&#8211;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E181\">Bearing with the emotional ups and downs caused by the vicissitudes of real life, and then dealing with the emotions and conflicts of dozens of fictional characters (most of them teenagers), has been overwhelming at times\u2014and another contributor to this feeling of aloneness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E181\">Four or five years ago, while visiting my friend Brian Maloney in Concord, Massachusetts, I expressed to him how emotionally exhausted and alone I felt. We were eating lunch in a fish shop (with the best fried haddock and clam chowder anywhere), and when I voiced my feelings, Brian, who has known me since college (and was initially intrigued by me because he noticed I had a different classic novel with me every time I came to class), gave me a perplexed look across the table. He scoffed a little bit and said, \u201cYeah, Chris, but this emotional work and aloneness you\u2019re talking about\u2026isn\u2019t that basically what you signed on for as a novelist?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E201\">He didn\u2019t have a microphone in his hand at the time, but afterwards I wished he had, because if ever a moment in my life was worthy of a mic drop, that was it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph\">&#8211;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"768\" src=\"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/10\/photo_3.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-5517\" srcset=\"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/10\/photo_3.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/10\/photo_3-300x225.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><figcaption>A view from the car while driving through the Isle of Skye in Scotland. Photo by Alexas Orcutt.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E214\">&#8211;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E214\">Lately, because I\u2019m now in territory where none of my writing heroes have been, and because none of my friends or family have attempted anything like what I\u2019m doing, I\u2019ve felt more alone than ever. For example, during lunch with my parents the other day, they asked me, \u201cSo\u2026how\u2019s the writing going?\u201d They meant well, but how can I possibly communicate to them how physically and emotionally draining the work is, how alone I feel every day, the internal battles I fight with myself over the novel\u2019s significance, the worries about whether all of my hard work will ever pay off?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E235\">The very attempt at bridging the divide of aloneness makes me feel more alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E237\">Another example: I used to enjoy reading new pages from the novel aloud to my wife, and getting her feedback, but recently I realized that not only can she not help me in this way anymore, I\u2019m out past where <em>anyone<\/em> can help me. I\u2019m so far out there that sometimes what I\u2019m doing doesn\u2019t even seem to resemble writing anymore; it\u2019s more akin to exploring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph\">&#8211;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"800\" height=\"443\" src=\"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/voyage.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-8786\" srcset=\"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/voyage.png 800w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/voyage-300x166.png 300w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/voyage-768x425.png 768w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/voyage-500x277.png 500w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/voyage-430x238.png 430w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E265\">&#8211;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E265\">As a young boy, before I decided I was going to become a novelist, I wanted to be an explorer. I wanted to be one of those courageous men who went where no person had gone before: Magellan, Columbus, Lewis and Clark, Peary, Scott, Shackleton, Amundsen, Hillary and Norgay, Neil Armstrong. Well, a few weeks ago, forty some-odd years after I dreamed of being an explorer, I realized tearfully that I was an explorer at last.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E265\">I might not be stepping foot atop Mount Everest or on the planet Mars, but I am the first writer to venture into this particular vast and uncharted literary territory.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph\">&#8211;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"800\" height=\"582\" src=\"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/800px-Mount_Everest_as_seen_from_Drukair-1-.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-8772\" srcset=\"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/800px-Mount_Everest_as_seen_from_Drukair-1-.jpg 800w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/800px-Mount_Everest_as_seen_from_Drukair-1--300x218.jpg 300w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/800px-Mount_Everest_as_seen_from_Drukair-1--768x559.jpg 768w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/800px-Mount_Everest_as_seen_from_Drukair-1--500x364.jpg 500w, https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/800px-Mount_Everest_as_seen_from_Drukair-1--430x313.jpg 430w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" \/><figcaption>An image of Mount Everest that I have on my office wall, my computer desktop, and my phone screen.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E297\">&#8211;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E297\">Many, many days, I feel like those great explorers and adventurers, going well out beyond the map, past where anyone has been before, not knowing where the end or the summit is, not knowing if I\u2019ll have the fortitude to finish, unsure if the over 10,000 hours I\u2019ve invested in this work (so far) will ever \u201cpay off,\u201d concerned that I might die before I finish.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E312\">But you know what? I wouldn\u2019t trade my writing life for anyone else\u2019s.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E315\">Not for all of hack James Patterson\u2019s international bestsellers and his wealth and any homes around the world he might have. Not for the gushing praise and accolades (often undeserved) heaped upon the latest <em>enfant terrible<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E335\">The fact is, I\u2019m going somewhere that 99 percent of other writers can\u2019t go\u2014not because they don\u2019t have the talent (I fully admit there are many, many writers more talented than I), but because they don\u2019t have the work ethic, the fortitude, the self-direction, the confidence, and the faith that venturing into the unknown requires.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E356\">And when I\u2019m finished, when I reach the end and finally put this novel into the world, regardless of how it is eventually received by readers or critics I will have accomplished something very few writers in the history of the world have accomplished, and I\u2019ll know what it means to go out past where anyone can help me and to do something that has never been done before.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" id=\"E373\">But\u2026I have to do it alone.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Lately, more than ever, I\u2019ve been thinking about a quote by the late, great playwright Sam Shepard: \u201cAloneness is a condition of writing. You look at all the writers that have come up with something worth its own salt, and they\u2019re utterly alone.\u201d \u201cAloneness is a condition of writing.\u201d I\u2019ve come not just to accept, &#8230; <a title=\"Aloneness\" class=\"read-more\" href=\"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/aloneness\/\" aria-label=\"Read more about Aloneness\">Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":8763,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[30,3,4,77,7,76,32,13,14,233],"tags":[608,602,596,597,494,218,609,604,123,122,600,595,283,607,606,599,605,154,601,339,362,603,284,594,92,93,355],"class_list":["post-8759","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-chris-orcutt-books","category-craft","category-favebooks","category-novels","category-personal","category-process","category-travel","category-writers","category-writingexperiences","category-writing-life","tag-aloneness","tag-amundsen","tag-carver","tag-chandler","tag-cheever","tag-chekhov","tag-epic-novel","tag-explorers","tag-fitzgerald","tag-hemingway","tag-hillary","tag-irving","tag-isolation","tag-loneliness","tag-lonesome","tag-magellan","tag-moutaineers","tag-nabokov","tag-norgay","tag-novel-writing","tag-sam-shepard","tag-shackleton","tag-solitude","tag-tolstoy","tag-writers-2","tag-writing","tag-writing-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8759","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8759"}],"version-history":[{"count":17,"href":"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8759\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8787,"href":"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8759\/revisions\/8787"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8763"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8759"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8759"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/orcutt.net\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8759"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}